Sorry, Universum!

Ich kann nicht schlafen, also schreibe ich diesen Blog auf meinem iPhone. Also nichts mit Abwechslung oder Smileys - sorry. XD
Sogar auf Deutsch, da ich hier nur meine Gedanken ordnen will

Ich habe die letzten Jahre nur darauf hingearbeitet nach Japan zu kommen. Für lange Zeit. Ich wurde Fremdsprachenkorrespondentin, habe Abi nachgemacht, studiert...
Und jetzt liege ich hier und frage mich "Was war der eigentliche Traum der kleinen Tanja?"

Bevor mich meine Freunde Mina nannten, ich mit Leuten der J-Rock oder Otaku-Szene abhing. Zu der Zeit begann es, dass alle Leute um mich herum nach Japan wollten, Japanisch lernen wollten. Also zog ich mit. Die Sprache interessierte und interessiert mich heute noch. Aber es wurde obzessiv. Ich erinnere mich an meinen letzten Eintrag.
Sprachen - das einzige das ich gut kann?
Eigentlich doch nicht einmal das.


Ich klammere mich seit Jahren an einen Traum, der nicht meiner ist, sondern den ich zu meinen gemacht habe um in die Umgebung zu passen in der ich mich wohl fühlte.
Ich mag Japan immer noch, möchte Japanisch lernen.
Aber es ist mir scheißegal ob andere besser sind - es wird immer jeder besser sein als ich in diesen Dingen und das ist nicht negativ gemeint ;)
Aber dieses Land ist für Ausländer die dort leben verkorkst. Es ist kein Land, in dem ein einigermaßen erwachsener, realistischer und nicht zu dummer Mensch wie ich glücklich wird.

Tanjas Traum war es "Die ganze Welt zu sehen!".
Ich habe heute beim Ausmisten mit meiner Mutter einen Zettel aus der Grumdschule gefunden - wir sollten unsere Berufswünsche aufschreiben. Ich hatte keine Ahnung von Berufen also hab ich das aufgeschrieben.
Ist Japan die Welt?
Wohl kaum.
Ein Stück, ein Zipfel davon.
Ich wollte Pyramiden in Ägypten sehen, Tempel in Thailand, Brunnen in Italien, Schnee in Alaska.

Ich möchte immer noch mindestens einmal im Jahr nach Japan.
Ich liebe immer noch die Musik ubd Kultur, möchte Okinawa, Hokkaido, mehr Kansai sehen.
Aber ich möchte nicht mehr, dass es mein Leben bestimmt.
Ich bin es leid, Sachen zu lesen wie
"Ich reise nach Amerika... leider nicht Japan."
"Ich fliege nach Sri Lanka. Vielleicht das nächste Mal Japan."
Die Welt ist wunderschön, aber ich habe durch den Wunsch den ich mir selbst aufgezwungen habe hauptsächlich Leute um mich versammelt, die genauso denken und die restliche Schönheit der Welt nicht mehr sehen.
Für einige war 'Leben in Japan' oder 'Japan' als solches vielleicht wirklich DAS was sie immer wollten... Aber ich weiß durch den Zettel, der mir die Tränen in die Augen trieb, dass ich nicht so war.

Vielleicht gehe ich immer noch für 3-6 Monate nach Japan um die Sprache zu lernen.
Vielleicht auch nicht.
Und auch wenn alle um mich herum Japanisch lernen, Spaß daran haben Kanji auswendig zu lernen - na und?
Es bestimmt nicht mehr mein Leben.

Ich bin nur eine kleine Fahrgastbetreuerin.
Ich könnte mehr sein, aber ich möchte das gar nicht.
Ich muss nicht Japanisch perfekt können, talentiert in Sprachen oder irgendwas sein.
Auch mit 'ein bisschen von allem' oder mit eben 'gar nichts' bin ich okay.
Ich bin gut so wie ich bin.
Mit meinem Traum, die Welt sehen zu wollen und ab und an nach Japan zu düsen.

Das klingt alles super depressiv, aber ich bin ein sehr ausgeglichener und glücklicher Mensch. :D
Ich verstehe jetzt nur langsam, was dieser agressive Kloß bedeutete, der seit Jahren in meinem Bauch wütete und immer dann zum Vorschein kam, wenn jemand meinem 'Traum' im Weg stand oder mein 'Talent' in Frage stellte oder ähnliches. Vielleicht weil dieser Jemand vom Universum geschickt wurde um mich wach zu rütteln und aufzuhalten? :D
Ich bin nicht gläubig, ich glaube nur an Schicksal, aber ich bin langsam das Schicksal zu deuten.
Und das Schicksal hat mir doch deutlich und oft gezeigt, dass diese 'Route' nicht meine ist.

Ich schließe ab mit:
Sorry, Universum. Ich gelobe Besserung, haha ;)

Confession of an (part time) egoistic person

Hello!

I didn't post something in a while.
Nothing really happened and I didn't know what to write.
So....
I just want to talk about myself right now.
Okay, I think I do that a lot in this blog.. xD

In normal life I just rarely talk about myself because it's too egoistic and annoying for me.
I even don't like when others are too showing off, haha.
But this here is my blog. My little world and space so I can do so, right?

Actually I think I'm not a really ambitious or aspiring person. I don't care that people are better then me in everything. Okay, you will ALWAYS find someone who is better then you in something. But I don't care actually that there are better singer, rapper, actor, dancer, passenger attandants, office workers... Mosty I'm maybe strict but I even cheer in secret for everyone.

I think the only thing I cannot stand is when somebody is better in studying languages. Even THEN I can stand it - but not when that person was before for example a genius in math or something but suddenly tries to beat me in English or Japanese. If that person was from the very beginning also good in languages - okay okay, it's your talent too, that's fine!
if that person was from the very beginning a genius which is good in everything it's different (but even then it annoys me.. XD) but if that person was in the beginning super bad in languages but suddenly tries to be better then me I get sooo angry inside of me...

I know myself it's egoistic.
I should instead help them out maybe, cheer on them.
It should be WONDERFUL that they want to improve, right?
But actually... imagine you are a person like me.
You can do nothing right, you fail a lot in life and you have nothing in which you are really 100% talented - except of languages.
And than somebody who is good in... let me say singing and math and suddenly studies hard to that point that this person is actually better than YOU it's frustrating.
It's for me like "Hey.. I thought we are friends... why you don't search your own talents but instead steal MINE?!?"

I think that is why I mostly reject if people ask me to help them out in English or Japanese.
I just said once yes. That was in high school - because I knew that girl is helpless in English and without my help she will fail her final exam but I knew that she will never be better than me because she is also not really interested in languages.

People say jealousy and egoism are not good.
Mostly I get also super angry when people are egoistic ands don't think about other feelings.
I think that is the only point in which I'm really an egoistic character that gets hurt easily.

So if you want to be my friend and your first talent was something else..
Don't change suddenly.

It's PAINFUL!!!!

I hope I still have friends after that, haha.
But hey.. at least instead of others I'm honest about my feelings.
It's a good thing, right?
So I will end this entry with good music, like always!
It's an old song but sometimes older songs are the best!

〜 Life 〜

Hello Hello!

First I want to rage a little... Or not rage? More saying something which is annoying me, haha.

Soon I will be again in Japan. I really love Japan. But I also dislike a lot of things.
One thing is: Their bad behaviour against chubby / fat people.

Well... in a country were all people are slim it is maybe normal to be like that but they are not even informed well about people who are chubby / fat / whatever.
You know...

- not all people who are chubby / fat are unhealthy. So don't give me again a "You have to lose weight, it's not healthy like that!" Ask all my doctors. One even asked me if I'm human because my health is just too good. xD

- not all people who are chubby / fat are that because they ate too much. You know that you can gain weight also because of sicknesses? Or because of medicamentation you have to take?

I'm really really annoyed by this behaviour.

But ... they can complain as much as they want. I won't get on diet or doing more sports now because of that.
I enjoy my life, eat what I want, do what I want.
I tried already out diets because I felt hurt by such kind of words and even thought I have to change myself but.. I was always in bad mood while doing that. And I prefer myself with good mood.

Second...
I don't have to tell much about my life right now. I just work every day, try to take care about my theatre group, play video games, play with my cats, do stuff with my family or my friends... Nothing special, haha.

You see what is missing here?
Right. Studying Japanese.

To study Japanese with books is for me horrible.
To study Japanese without a professional teacher is so annoying.
To study Japanese while not being able to really talk Japanese is so not fun.

So I decided again to make my dream since I was 14 years old true and be 1/2 year or a few month in Japan. I already calculated everything. I have to safe up like 20,000 € to do that.

It will be hard work but I'm used to work hard. Until now nothing really worked out for me well. I was always just working in my life and trying to use the 'easy way' to go to Japan. But the easy way is not the way with freedom so maybe it will work out like that better, haha.

I have nobody who could support me in this way anyways. I think most people think I'm stupid. I should just work properly, get married, make babies.... whatever. After I made my dream come true I don't care anyways so... Haha.

About the last topic...
I talked before about 'family'. Well.. I was always so SURE that I want a husband and children myself. But lately I'm not that sure anymore. I love babies, children, love and so on but... I know that my lifestyle is very selfish.
And I'm also a selfish person.
Not in front of my friends or my family of course. But when it comes to my own decisions. If I imagine that I can't go on vacations anymore, I can't just carefree do what I want anymore I feel very bad. It is some kind of freedom I have to say goodbye to.
And I love my freedom the MOST!

So... I'm really not sure lately.
Maybe it all will change when I find the right man and get pregnant after that..

At the end again a small song! Please enjoy!
Sayulee is a singer and songwriter who makes music on YouTube. Lately she has a super nice project called "Your Song". People can send their ideas about lyrics to her based on their life experiences and Sayulee is going to make a wonderful song out of it. This song is the first of the project and was made in coorperation with the YouTuber Sharla which I really like.